My boyfriend and I broke up on November 30th. I mentioned him on the blog regularly, and life’s been lonelier without him. I miss the little details of him most, such as how he moved in the morning after waking up; the way his voice softened when slipping into slumber; the way his voice cracked when startled or scared, or the way it deepened in a laugh that lit his face up with fireworks. I miss how he always wanted to snuggle, even on stuffy summer nights or during my one-sided feuds over a silly grudge; how hard working and willing to help he was, and even how he slacked off and I ordered him around. I miss how honest and humble we kept each other.
I miss his variety of laughs that depended on his mood; I miss our drives and him poking fun at me, the copilot, whenever something went amiss; I miss sneaking episodes of our favorite Netflix shows into our schedule when time permitted (or didn’t… it usually didn’t); I miss making salads for dinner and sophisticatedly naming them “night salads;” I miss
forcing asking him to hold plates under a light so I could take a picture for Instagram; I miss the evenings where he returned from work, and we laughed and smiled endlessly and/or quipped like Dan and Phil.
I miss how our romantic dates seamlessly changed to quiet study dates, and how exciting it was when we agreed on a lunch break (pizza days were the best); I miss talking endlessly about veganism, politics, our classes, our dreams, and our goals, feeling like we could impact the world and do it together; I miss him saying, “It’s you and me against the world,” and I miss repeating those words back to him with a smile and kiss. I regrettably began taking all of this for granted, but at least I never forgot his eyes. I always told him, “Your eyes are beautiful,” and it was my way of telling him, “Your soul is beautiful.”
“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.” Flavia Weedn
He reinvented who I want to be. Growing up as a shy and introverted person, I always assumed I would conquer my world alone. I wanted to have a partner, sure, but I never understood the concept of being a team nor did it seem necessary. I thought the best relationship would be romance and laughter but nothing more. He was that and more. I wanted to be on this team. Our team. Success stopped centering around me and became about us.
I always believed in his song-writing and rapping without falter, and when we started dating, this dream became as precious to me as my own. And when I worked towards my dream, he reminded me without words as to what I wanted: give my all to the world and live without taking much in return. He believed in me, and I wanted to make him proud. He humbled me, and with a devoted patience he let down the walls and security I built up around others. I loved the world, but I loved it more with him in it; I always saw in color, but he created the spectrum.
We still talk here and there, and my heart races with happiness, excitement, and fear at each message. I care about him deeply, dare I say that I still love him, and I wish my words were enough to express that. Yet I feel that I don’t deserve to say, “I love you.” I failed him. I failed us.
Recalling my side of mistakes is painful (as a team we both had our shortcomings). I haven’t been able to face him in memories, because I don’t want to hurt when recalling why and what I loved about him and no longer get to experience. But I know that I have to remember and cry. If I don’t, I’ll forget how to, and I’ll carry a suppressed pain within me all my life. I need not gaze upon pain alone but take hold of the stories to tell and lessons to share. If we never feel pain, we will never know the gain in overcoming it.
I wish to share my insight, whether you learn it for the first time or already know but could use a gentle reminder.
Patience, compassion, and devotion are the best gifts anyone could give you. Recognize it, express your gratitude, and return it.
If you fight, look into your partner’s eyes, because you’ll stop feuding and realize these are the eyes you want to gaze into forever. Or at least you’ll want to stop feuding. You might keep going, but remember the consequences of doing so.
You’re a team and possess equal responsibility in conquering challenges, so don’t run or abandon each other. Resolve conflict, and go to bed happy. Don’t leave your bed and partner to sleep on the couch, because your partner isn’t responsible for following you, and if you expect it and they don’t, you’ll be more upset.
All efforts, good times, bad times, lessons, and growth are too precious to be thrown away due to texts. Don’t dictate the future in a phone call either. Talk face to face; look your partner in the eyes.
Notice the tiniest of gestures and appreciate both romance and modesty… remember that this person loves you and wants to see you smile. You might not notice every day, but he/she is making sacrifices and improvements the way you are.
Believe your partner’s “I love you.”
Finally, sparks exist. They aren’t just the fireworks in a Hollywood kiss, but the quiet time you spend together and think, “I’d like to stay here forever;” the laughter that the two of you share and relive through inside jokes; and the intimacy of honest, ambitious, and, sometimes, embarrassing conversation. But physical sparks exist too – I believe they’re revealed only through a heart and mind caught on fire. Balance your sparks.
I wish you an abundance of happiness in your relationship. ❤ Good luck. ❤
If I am to love this world alone, I thank you for sticking by my side for as long as you did.
“I’ll always be here for you. Whether you need me to be or not.”